Let happiness win

Up with my alarm at 6:00 AM. outfit inspired by what was nearest, pajamas placed to rest in the drawer, duvet pulled to kiss the dresser. six pillows fluffed, six pills swallowed. I did something risky last night. It’ll pay off today. Be patient. And Wear Your Gold Glasses. Ready for the day at 6:26 AM.

Work moves fast, then slow, then glacially. I’m preoccupied with staying preoccupied. I pull three reports, I finish two drafts, I edit nine documents. I rewatch a tutorial I rewatched yesterday. I couldn’t tell you what it was about. I let coworkers gossip in my office, nodding when I feel I may offend them if I don’t show support. I don’t have enough context to get what they’re talking about.

–

I check my phone no more frequently than every 15 minutes. Don’t spiral. Plenty of reasonable and fair explanations. Even with no explanation, you’ll be okay.

–

We go see my doctor. We wait for three hours. They’re behind. We talk, we update, we confide. I check my phone every 30 minutes. Don’t spiral. I admit My Wants out loud. We’re sure it’s going to end up okay. My doctor arrives. We review scans, food journals, medication side effects, birth control. We consider the gallbladder.

The gallbladder! Could it be the gallbladder? We leave the doctor, quipping gallbladder melodies and walking with a teensy dance in our step – we do so hope there’s something wrong with my gallbladder.

–

I unlock my front door.

My answer.

Oh. This can’t be right.

This isn’t how I told myself it would go.

I sit. I read. I breathe. I let my eyes well. I breathe. I stand. I walk down the hall. I’m not sure where I’m going. I walk to my room. I’m not sure why I’m here. I sit again. I read again. I wonder if it’s true.

This is not how it was supposed to go.

That’s okay. You’ll be okay.

–

I go to dinner. I hug friends. I listen to their days. I try not to mention mine. I do. We hug again.

I walk home. My mind jitters. What if? Is that erratic? Is that wanted? Is that okay? Risk vs. reward?

Set your ego aside. Be human. What does everyone want? The potential reward is worth the risk of another ego bruise.

–

Back at home at 8:59 PM. outfit in the hamper, pajamas moved from drawer to skin, left corner of the duvet pulled back. two pillows removed, two pills swallowed. I tuck myself into crisp, cool, body-suffocating air. I tell Alexa to set my alarm for 6:00 AM. I listen for her voice to confirm, then I place my gold glasses on the dresser. Ready for sleep at 9:07 PM.

Out loud, twice, I tell myself, “I’m proud of you.” Once, as me to me. Again, as my mother to me. The second time carries much more weight.

I feel peaceful, though the backs of my eyes are sinking with dead weight again. I’ve always kind of liked that feeling.

I liked the feeling of today more.

What’s risk vs. reward when we care?

–

(I think I’ll wear my gold glasses again tomorrow)