I’m sitting (Zoom-ing) into my first SMART meeting. I’m just listening, tonight. Feeling it out. I’ve felt out AA before, but it didn’t work for me. Maybe it would have if I gave it more than one chance, and went in without preconceived distaste. (Even with an entirely clear mind, I don’t think AA format is right for me.)
I’ve never been a person that can do something 100%, for an extended period. I flit and float from idea to idea, giving each my full attention, individually, until burn out is the only weight I can feel. I believe this is rooted in my struggle to understand who I want to be, and therefore, who I am. I’m intensely in pursuit of changing this mindset: I want to, and am, becoming the Claire I’ve always tucked away on a pedestal of impossibility.
From my behavioral history, I know I do not do well with ultimatums. If I trip up in my pursuit of an ultimatum, I am a failure. If I am a failure, I am worthless. If I am worthless, why does anybody love me? “Everybody hates you. Everybody is embarrassed by you. Everybody wants to leave you.” my brain screams.
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I no longer hate myself. I’m not embarrassed by myself. If people want to leave me, that’s their choice.
I’m learning, quickly, to love. who I am. This is new territory. I’m holding on tightly. Echoes of both “luvbug” and “love bug” in my mind. warm. The only difference between groups is in the way we spell. Perhaps a more colloquial term than prior days, but one that warms me to the core. There is no correct spelling.
Most days, I step into my shower to find two love-bugs on the faucet.
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I’ve SMART-meetinged my own nicotine habit, before I knew SMART meetings existed. Allowing myself to always own one Emergency Vape for the nights I sit and have a cocktail alone in a bar at 10:00 PM, or the nights I jump from friend group to friend group, recharging my love for conversation. I don’t allow myself to hit the Emergency Vape unless I’m in one of those two scenarios: with this method, I’ve achieved 70 days, 6 hours, and 10 minutes without vaping 24/7. For me, that’s a happiness win. That’s growth I’m very proud of.
Earlier this week, I spent an evening over queso and cocktails with an Outside-Orbit Friend: one who had always been in my world, but not closely. We discussed openly, vulnerably, truthfully. They mentioned SMART meetings. We agreed to go to one together.
The next day, I mentioned SMART meetings to another friend, explaining what I learned about them and asking if they may want to come. “Omg, I just redownloaded the SMART app this morning,” this second friend said. Perfect, we agreed: we’ll sit separately on Zoom, yet together, and listen in to a meeting on Friday night.
To even sit through this meeting, I took myself to my favorite bar. I have a hard time being alone in my house these days: I built it as an ode to three, and now, I am one. It’s a heavy weight, one that feels written on every inch of the walls. I don’t like being alone there at night.
So tonight, my favorite bar is where I sit, laptop and cocktail and cheese plate on the table, headphones on, writing as I listen to the community members speak. I hope that next time, if I need to sit elsewhere than my home, I won’t feel the need for cocktail courage.
“I love you guys,” one person in the group says. I hope I can come to love them too. I ask myself to try.
Let happiness win 